dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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