um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
