worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
