good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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