Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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