I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
