he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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