drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
