judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
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