Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
