im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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