If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
