Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
