Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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