That's when you crack a 10am beer
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
