Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You're like the curious george of whores
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
