I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Found your dick twin last night
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
