capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Mom said you looked used
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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