Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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