My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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