I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
