I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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