he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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