every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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