ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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