You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
