now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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