Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
