I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My liver just had a heart attack.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
