her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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