Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
