You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
