You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do vagina's smell?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
