The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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