Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You took a bar mat shot.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
