Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
