I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
