Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
