Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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