I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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