Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
