apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
