just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
