i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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