Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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