I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just want to make out with him forever
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
