i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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