I heard we made out
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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