I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
