I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
